"What Now"
 

There's always a reason they say, to choose solitude this way
Independant, proud and individual I stay, true to my way
I dont always fit into the mould, won't meekly shiver in the fold
Outspoken, opinionated and idealistic I hold, true to my goal

My goal I state- and yet.... I falter suddenly, uncertain now
as to what my goal may be, a fog distorts the way
I had thought I wished to tread, I stop unsure of where or how
I have to go on.. as me, but I cannot choose the hand I play

I seek friendship, why so? Friendship is safe, dependable, less stress
Or is it? To me friendship is just as much a commitment
An important thing to take seriously
Not just a word to use lightly
as though it were nothing

To my friends I am loyal and consistent, reliable and caring
These people I would defend and support with my last breath
Such as I may, in the end.. at least I would fail, content
that I had tried, even if in trying
I had failed and my words
and actions been in vain

Can romance and love grow from friendship? Or are the two
in some uncomprehensible way separate? Need we not the one
to ensure the other last? Does friendship then follow
the heat and passion of lust? Nay,
but rarely it would seem
for the heat may burn
away the tender bonds

Those ties that slowly hold two souls safe as friends
when nurtured with kindness and true compassion
reaching out with caring heart, and at the same time
daring to share one's self
in the brutal light
of honesty dared

True love, soul mate, the special one who waits for me
Is it possible that such a wonder exists? And if so
do I dare to risk the safety of friendship
to take the leap that is required
apparently, to find
yet another mirage

The taste of sand, hot and burning on my parched lips
which fell forth onto the barren dust, deceived
by some devious trick of eye and mind
infatuated by promise of
the life force, believing
rock to be water

My friends accept as I do them and neither judge nor try
to change the unique spirit that this earthly being
that is I so clumsily attempts
to contain and protect
stumbling at times
on hidden rocks

* * *

Yes its true theres more I'd choose, but fear what I may lose
Experience, knowledge and hurt I've had, teaches to expect the bad
If I should dare to reach the dream, for I unreachable it seems
Reluctantly, resignedly yet realistically I concede, to be alone

I talk not of sex and pleasure here for such things can be sought
and found without commiting oneself to deeper things
and friendship as we know although a rare gift
it exists as precious jewels
we collect along
this journey

No I dreamt of something which I tend to fear, at least for this stranger
to this earth, misfit in a confusing world...for me a dream
unattainable and unrealistic for I
walk to a beat which I thought
others could hear but
apparently not

Why am I so certain that I can never obtain the dream? When all any
must do is take small steps, in order to reach the ultimate
goal. To believe and remain on the track
is the secret, the answer
to all that one may desire
or to to obtain

Because it seems I am so far from the mainstream as to be forgotten
easily, considered a stagnant pond, cut off from the fresh
currents which sparkle and splash so freely
their scent tantalising but reminding
that I do not belong and
cannot reach

Confusion and uncertainty have plagued this gentle soul
along the oft harsh stoney lands of self discovery I
have been forced to tread, alone more often
than not, but yet enriched by beauty
and kindness alone the way
still none would choose
to remain

* * *

So yes a secret I have in mind which offered forth before to find
Rejection; acceptance and understanding unknown after my thoughts shown
By their very nature it seems , my desires destroy anothers dreams
Paradoxically compatible these same, if gender reversed.

My friendship is welcome, casual relationships easily formed and
just as easily lost. But the ideal of a life partner is denied
after my nature revealed makes me no longer
the ideal of the one I had
hoped to reach and
share my all

Helpless against my conflicting urges, swept away by undercurrents
which tear me far from the warm and welcoming shore
to struggle will only result in drowning
the answer is to let my protests sigh
to a whisper and float
on the racing tide

Why must it be so difficult to find I wonder, another who will understand
and accept the complexities of my being, even share the fantasies
of passion unbridled, of a past revealed which
has explored the possibilities of
an individual admittedly
Bisexual

Anji Alexander

27/11/2003